It's Time We Sent a Duffer to Washington
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Table of Contents
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Section 1 - Profile
TFM is a professional football player working on improving his golf game enough so he can compete on the senior tour.

Chapter 1 - Sports:
TFM's views come directly from his Western Pennsylvania roots: Every game in every sport is fixed - unless his team wins of course.

Chapter 2 - Movies:
R is for ridiculous: PG - pretty goofed up

Chapter 3 - Stocks
How to turn $5000 into $4500 in just one year!

Chapter 4 - Work History:
As a professional football player TFM's always been unemployed - so how did he get enough money to run for Senate?

Chapter 5 - The WEB
The problem with the Internet is any nut case can publish a book

Chapter 6 - Sex:
Male - need I say more.

Chapter 7 - Immoral TFM:
It might as well come out now.

Section 2 - Politics
This is the serious stuff.

Chapter 1- Campaign Finance Reform
A system where voters carry more influence.

Chapter 2 - Education
Johnny can read as well as he wants, he'd rather just play Nintendo.

Chap 2a - Testing
Would you hire a moron to umpire a baseball game?

Chap 2b - Vouchers
Why not give private and parochial school administrators a raise?

Chapter 3 - Gun Control
A well regulated militia…..

Chapter 4 - Free Speech
Advocating distribution of pictures of nude women doesn't equal actual distribution.

Chapter 5 - Taxes
In theory if my money were well spent 100% taxes might relieve a lot of stress. In practice, the Libertarians got the right idea.

Chapter 6 - The Economy
Higher Inflation due to Interest Rate Hikes

Chapter 7 - Unions
Every American worker should belong to a Union - With a lot of work we might just create one worth the dues.

Chapter 8 - Health Care
It's because we're willing to spend so much that it cost so much!

Chapter 9 - Sex in the White House
The ultimate goal

Section 3 - Anything but Politics

Chapter 1 - Short Stories
a) Perfect and Peaceful
b) A night at the Bar

Chapter 2 - Great Ideas
Guaranteed to make someone rich

Chapter 3 - Recipes
-- Gobs
-- Corn Fritters

Chapter 4 - A Diet that works

Chapter 5 - Creating a Web page
You don't have to spend $140 on Front Page
Because the only other choice is Hillary and she's way too intense.

Hillary gets blamed for a lot of things. The truth of each incident likely will never be known. But I can state with absolute certainty she deserves credit for the composition of this book. In 1988 approximately twelve pages took form. At that time, a serious but not so well conceived attempt at a ballot position for The House of Representatives was undertaken. The dream never died and over the years the existence of eight more pages emerged. As substantive, enlightening and well written as those twenty pages turned out, by themselves they're not likely to win a Nobel Prize. Maintaining that rate of production I could expect a work capable of catapulting me to the Presidency in about 2088. You can imagine the melancholy considering the goal was to become the youngest President ever. Thankfully, Hillary entered the race for New York State Senator.

Now you may be thinking "this guy must really hate that -------." But you'd be wrong. In fact the most disturbing part of her entering the race occurred when the leaders of the Democratic Party assured her that if she ran they would eliminate any other candidate from the Democratic primary. This aspect disturbs the voter portion of my personality. However, the entrepreneur realizes the fantastic opportunity to cash in on the obvious backlash caused by inviting this carpetbagger in and promising to keep the locals away. Later in the book there may be some statements concerning how foolish the party leaders look by giving the nomination to someone with her views. But for now the most important thing for you to know is the main purpose of this book relates to my desire to make money. Now this may sound offensive at first. But someday I may actually get the opportunity to run for Senate and everyone knows only people with money get elected. So you see there's a public obligation to become rich so later I can fulfill my public duty.

The book contains many good ideas and it may inspire you to cast a write in vote. That can be achieved by scribbling TFM in the appropriate portion of the ballot sheet. Keep in mind voting for the person you believe in conflicts with the general population's perception that only someone with a chance to win deserves a vote (otherwise Allan Keyes would currently be President). Therefore, you'll be wasting you're vote this election. Besides think of the consequences that would occur if someone spending less than $20,000 received enough votes to place in an election. Party leaders may realize the dissatisfaction in their administration. Other politicians may stop pandering to special interest groups.

Actually, encouraging you to write in TFM might not be such a good idea. The FEC may try to make me do a lot more paperwork and worse yet confiscate all the proceeds from this book. That certainly would negate the usefulness of expending all this effort since the main purpose of this exposition is to generate cash. On that note, anyone who really isn't much of a reader and wishes just to send cash can send a check payable to TFM at PMB 219, 5999 South Park Ave. Hamburg, NY 14075. Remember this is not a campaign contribution! Money will be deposited into a personal checking account and used at my own discretion. In fact to play it safe, please don't write-in TFM on this year's ballot, even if after reading this book you believe TFM belongs in the Senate (or if you're more cynical - the Senate deserves TFM). We can still cause a stir within the established parties if enough of you write in your own names. Of course if your own name contains a lot of letters and you only have enough desire to protest a little it might be simpler just to jot down TFM. Then there are those of you that are a little shy and may not want to identify yourselves. In these cases feel free to use TFM, just as long as you realize this is not a serious attempt to elect someone.

Even though all proceeds from the sale of the book will be distributed in a manner similar to other struggling authors, the content doesn't vary much from what it would contain if this were a serious attempt at public office. There may be an extra disclaimer or two, as I feel obligated not to deceive anyone.

If elected would I serve? Let's examine the pros and cons. Pros: 1) Six guarantied years of employment 2) Over $140,000 a year salary [compared to much less] 3) More time at home with the family 4) Invitations to play at the finest golf courses 5) An exorbitant ego boost. Cons 1) A lot more reading 2) Meeting the rest of the elected officials. Hmm, I believe the Senate's health plan will cover the cost for any new glasses required due to the extra reading. Dealing with a bunch of people with egos that dwarf my own certainly will take some serious adjustment. But after considering all the pros and cons, as long as I'm elected without my knowledge (so I can keep the profits of this book), I'd except the position and continue to fulfill the degree of competence you've come to expect from your representatives in Washington.

This book contains three distinct sections. The first section introduces TFM through a series of exposť's on normal everyday items. The second section examines specific political issues. The third section contains other interesting items. Some of which were written by authors other than TFM. It contains some fictional short stories to help break the tension created by solving the world's problems. Read on and remember - Vote (or at least contribute)

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---PMB 219
---5999 SouthPark Ave.
---Hamburg, New York 14075

Remember this money will be deposited into TFM's personal bank account and used totally at his own discretion.

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